THE All-Timer

 Before I get into rants and raves over the new ‘finds’ on the internet or the latest sexy talent, I wanted to get my hands dirty with a deep-dive into a girl who’s perhaps my all-time favorite porn actress. She ticks all the boxes when it comes to the three main factors for any performer: skills, physique, and content. To me, that all-around performer is Jenaveve Jolie.

Now, Jenny has been around the block in her heyday, in the early 2000’s churning out content left and right with various famous names by her bedside. With the prolific amount of work she’d done for a time period, she made her name as a buxom Latina star with absolutely jaw-dropping acting chops. Let’s dive in!

Foreplay

One thing cannot be disputed, despite your taste in porn actresses: Jenaveve is a great actress. She’s never stiff, always playful, and oozes sexual energy.

But what gets you going right from the start is her kinky foreplay, and you know I’m referring to her dick sucking prowess. Check out the video below and you’ll see what I mean.

Jenny is quite simply a marvel when she starts off a scene, putting in 100% of her effort in pleasing that dick. In this scene, she takes one of her favorite positions, bottomless and bent over off the edge of a bed or couch, while thrusting from the tip-down in long strokes.

Her rhythm is masterful - spitting periodically, giving a few pumps with her hand, and wrapping her full lips around the tip of the cock with care and precision. I’m not one to linger on fellatio scenes, but Jenaveve’s should never be skipped, as it’s probably where she excels!

Acting

What is it about Jenaveve that gets me going every time, with every view? She gets into a scene like few others do. She moans and grins with authority, looking up with determination as she gets railed. My take is always the same: there’s nothing quite like a porn star who enjoys her craft, or at least acts like she enjoys it. Jenaveve has always been the gold standard in that aspect of things.

Just take the clip below, an early performance of Jenny’s where she’s off to the side and getting pounded from behind. The focus is outstanding. The sounds she make are so sexual and real. She responds to the change in rhythm from the actor every time - when he starts thrusting faster, Jenny responds with a totally different take.

As she climaxes towards the end of the scene and the actor spreads her legs out more, you hear ‘fuck me harder!’ And it sounds genuine, unlike the fakeness of so many others.

On Top & In Charge

One last clip I’ll leave you with shows Jenaveve in one of my favorite positions to see her in - on top. But this clip is so much more, and I’ve split it into sections for your enjoyment.

We start with her foreplay, which as usual is outstanding. Her deep-throating is perfect, and she works every inch. Her supple breasts framed under the fellatio is stunning, quite frankly. Also note how she takes a pause between sucking and comes up for air - another stunning signature. That satisfied breath is pure sex.

At the 5-minute mark, Jenny moves into what she does best. Here she gets into cowgirl and absolutely dominates. She jams the cock into her body with strength, anchoring her legs to the side to get maximum leverage. Her hair waves with each stroke.

The scene then moves with an overhead shot. This is at a time when Jenaveve was in prime condition - very trim and strong, smooth and killer body. She gained a bit of weight in subsequent years, but it only added to her voluptuous charm. But this is sleek, peak Miss Jolie.

At around 13:00 we’re looking at our subject’s pussy straight-on and in rare form. Jenny is more known for her ass shots, but watching her lay on her back and rub her clit as she takes it is a primal pleasure. What acting...

The climax then comes after a reverse cowgirl takes the actor to completion. This is also a rare scene in Jenaveve’s later years, as she really puts some speed into the final strokes. This version of miss Jolie focuses less on style and more on brute strength. Her all-around perfection is why I call her one of the absolute greats.

A Hardcore Turn?

 Like so many others, my enthusiasm for Playboy waned in recent years. The quality of photo shoots and models deteriorated greatly, and I started tending more towards the hardcore side of things. In that spirit, I decided to finally start a blog centered around my tastes in the realm of porn.

Here goes my first post on my new blog - Pornhub critic. As you may know - I used to run a relatively popular blog based on my love for Playboy models called Playboy Critics Corner. In it, I painstakingly pored over Playboy’s finest centerfolds, with my obvious devotion to their models from the 1990’s taking center stage.

Those who’ve followed me know that I have discerning taste for women. They need to be distinctly beautiful and talented posers to rank as one of my famous “Top 25 Playmates” or get an “A+” rating in my blog index.

My tastes are pretty easy to predict: brunettes with curves do it easily for me. Latina women with golden skin are a cherished sight. Playboy always dabbled in diversity, but never really hit it on the nail in the way the mainstream porn industry did, and for that I always held some reservations about their direction and dedication.

A Hardcore Turn

For Playboy fans, hardcore always did get a bad rap. It leaves little to the imagination. It puts a stand-in into the action, without allowing yourself to breathe life into a static set of pictures with your own mind.

However, there’s more to it if you’re as picky as myself. I look for scenes where the model is gorgeous; where the passion is palpable; and the performance is paramount. It was always tough to judge a Playboy model’s talent given a set of 20 or so photos, but in porn, a performance can make or break a girl. Some models hit a stride and hit it out of the park, while others moan and groan to mediocrity.

So my format will largely follow my tastes - weekly or so, I’ll pick a scene or two that I’m ‘following’ closely, that really helps bust my nut - and go in-depth. It might be a bit of a study on a model and her work in general, or just focusing on a particular performance. Either way, I’m excited to be delving more into the sexual nuances of pornography, and I hope you enjoy my musings!

P.S.: Above photo is a screen grab of a real legend of a natural performer, April O’Neil. She speaks to my inclinations quite well I’d say! Link to video: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5949f5a0c5bd8

Absolutely, Emily

Emily, Miss July

So I've been a bit slow to post after getting through my fave girl of the year, Jessica Ashley. I've got some catching up to do at this point in the year, but instead of doing one of my catch-up posts with multiple Playmates at once, I thought it wouldn't do justice to another great entry this year.

Miss July was Emily Agnes, and I would be remiss if I didn't give her just what she deserves - a thorough review. To put it simply, Emily is a certain fan favorite with a definite shot at PMOY. That's how good she is, even stacked up against the likes of Jessica.

Emily is a veritable specimen of a woman, statuesque at 5'8", a slim 105 lbs. but sporting some colossal DD breasts and eye-popping measurements. In keeping with the theme of great bodies that Miss Ashley set the bar for in 2014, Emily elaborates on that and takes it in a totally different direction.

This sultry English model is all body. She's coy and reticent in her photos, but you can tell that she's packing deep. Her length is truly outstanding - in some photos it seems like the Playboy crew struggles to fully frame Emily's mile-long legs. She's a bit thin in the posterior, but her killer abs anchor what's a really stunning top half.

Those tits are for real, folks. These are true, unadulterated, hanging boobs that look fantastic beneath that cute mug. And Emily neatly ties up that hair in a bun so that her chest is on full display with little to distract from it.

When you get past Emily's amazing natural build, the questions arise. She's obviously got a good bit of talent, posing with grace and confidence throughout. But the photography is putrid, looking overexposed and too colorful, never just giving way to what a great physical display this could be. Emily never gets sexual enough... you're always looking for something a bit more, a little more labia, a little better ass shot. It all never comes, unfortunately.

• Face: B+
  A bit thin on the facial features, with a longer and slender nose, Emily nonetheless is very attractive. The gimmicks, though, give me pause. I'd recommend she lose those thick-rimmed glasses more often, letting us see that wry smile. Also, the hair. I'm a huge stickler for great hair, and the most detrimental thing about Emily's entire set is that she never lets those brown shiny locks loose. They're potentially gorgeous, and could have catapulted her to elite status. It's what could have been. 
• Body: A+
  This is another hall-of-fame worthy body, in a totally different way from Jessica's. With Emily, we have a Roman goddess. Her colossal and natural breasts are a succulent sight to behold. They beautifully balance out an otherwise very thin frame. When Emily gets fully nude, the fireworks truly fly. This is one spectacular woman to see naked... she looks streamlined, refined, and very intimate. There's energy to her motion akin to hard sex. It's that shy secretary look that really can do wonders.
• Talent: A
  As I've mentioned, Emily is a physical, brave model who breaks from her reclusive shell and busts out, literally. Her body goes on full-frontal display (although not quite enough I'll say), with Emily crouching, contorting, spreading her legs, and looking transformative throughout.
• Pictorial: B-
  There are numerous missteps with Eisenmann's pitiful picture set, the first one being the heterogenous approach of making Emily look like an old school pinup. They never o for the subtlety that would be so fitting for a model like this. A woman like Emily just needs to feel her way through a photo set, without too much makeup or props, just being nude and letting herself strip free, maybe even *undo her hair*. Good God.. if only they let her be herself here.
• Centerfold: B+
  Although it suffers from the stylistic faults of the rest of Emily's pictorial, her centerfold looks full of energy and captures a rock hard torso. Though I'd like to have seen a full frontal with some idea of Emily's great length in mind.
• Overall: A
  This one's another special model who should be under consideration for PMOY in 2015. Fans have bought in to Emily's beautiful look and unbelievably physical gifts. Although she like other Playboy models of recent years has been mishandled abhorrently, she's still something to see. A sleek, slim woman with huge amazing tits isn't always what we see in the right balance, but Miss Agnes hits the nail right on the head. Sexy beyond words.

Sex with Jess

So I just made Jessica my new number one girl. My first hall of famer in years. She looks incredible... good enough to take a closer look at. For a moment, I want to throw away the professional reviews, the tightened prose, and the heavy scrutiny. I want to just look and feel a model the way she was meant to be.  I want to be fucking such a perfect woman.

I want to take four of my favorite photos of Jess and do what we were meant to do with them. I want to write a love letter to Jessica's body.

Jess looks good enough to eat in this photo. The way she props herself to the side, just a little tilt that creases the right side of her hip just a little more. Her waist cinched, you can really see the size of her ass from the front.

Even from the front.

Forget that you can't see her gorgeous ass, you can see it in your mind with this picture. Her spectacular tits aren't too big, but just hang enough to give some subtle curvature that's lit beautifully.

But it's that ass that you get a sense of, with this hourglass portrait. Simply scandalous. This woman was meant to be fucked from behind.

Someone let Jess out of the cage with this one. She's out in full force. In my review, I mentioned that back curve, one of the sexiest features on any woman.

That back curve, that splits open with an arched back, and offers and extension to her ass crack. It's perfectly proportioned, it's spectacular. It's a work of art that's taken a lot of effort and sweat to get just right. Boy, did it pay off.

The best part of rear shots like this one is that sideways eye look. She's peering to the side, as if being fucked from behind, looking up, and wanting more. She grabs her hair a bit, creating a playful and flirty sense. This is sex in a photo.

That bracelet, too. What is with that fucking bracelet? She's so naked, but that one little bracelet is on, reminding you that she's stripped down from something. But in a fit of lust, she forgot to take that off.

I picked another ass shot here, but I can't help it when it comes to Jessica. She's too curvy and looks too great from behind. This one's that awesomely classic shot from behind - a doggy style pose that exposes every single curve, every single line. See that arch? It's out in full force. See those thighs? They're propping up a thoroughbred of a woman, who was built for hardcore sex. See those tits hang? They balance the reverse bulge of that ass with amazing symmetry.

And that hand on that face... looking almost tired and exhausted at the prospect of some rough sex in the daylight. Her hair's a bit unkempt, too. That hammock is in for some rocking, for sure.

This last one is the type of full frontal that only girls like Jess could pull off. Her light curls fall over her chest like little wisps in the sun. The lighting is almost ethereal. She's glowing.

Just look at those lines rippling through her body. There's the trail starting between her boobs and through her navel. The way it splits her hard abs is heavenly.

Then there's the two lines that almost form an arrow pointing down to her spectacular vagina. Those lines form intriguing little creases that end with a little gap below her sexy little clit.

It looks open and inviting, her thighs parting and a little window inviting you right in. This photo is so sexual and perfect. The mirror behind to show the full masterpiece. The look on her face, just asking for just one orgasm. Just a dream of a composition.

So, when's the last time a couple of pictures of a woman almost made you ejaculate? Yeah, I felt exactly the same way. That's an A+ model right there.

I Dream Of Ashley...

Jessica, Miss June 2014

I came back to writing for this blog because of one single catalyst, and you've seen me mention her before - none other than Miss June, Jessica Ashley. The thing is, I've been waiting for years and venting my frustration about the lack of real talent in the Playmate world. I mean, it's been four years since our last duo of "A+" Hall of Famers, Amy Leigh Andrews and Bethanie Badertscher, hit the stage.


In those four years, we've had a wide plethora of different posing styles, bodies of all shapes and sizes, and for the most part, some really shoddy pictorials. Of some less-than-deserving Playmates. Sure, there have obviously been A-caliber highlights like Shelby Chesnes or Tiffany Toth, but even those ladies weren't seminal models that we can put up there with the best of the best.

That is, until I saw Miss June 2014. Some may say that she still lays as victim to the horrible turn that Playboy photography has taken in recent years. To that I say "okay, you've got a point." But I think what we have with Jessica is a model who can rise above and beyond any photo set that's been dealt to her. That's a rare trait in this day and age, where the photos make the model. Here, it's quite the other way around.

First and foremost about Jess, I need to address her body. Ok, I don't just want to address it. I want to dive right into it, feel it, touch it. Jessica's body is simply perfection, a master stroke, hall of fame material. It is a simply wonderful balance of curvature mixed with rock-hard precision, with the right amount of delicate femininity to tie it all together. She reminds me a bit of the great Jo Garcia, but filled in and a bit more complete.

But truly, I could go on forever about Jessica's amazing looks. Her decently tall size (5' 9") has a good bit of volume at 130 lbs, and you see how every pound goes to all the right spots. Her upper frame is sharp and slim and womanly, while not being overly skinny, her shoulders tapering just enough. Her posture is sublime. It leads you into some breasts which are just picture-perfect, not large by any means, but looking lively and rewarding to the touch.

Then come the abs. I could write a whole ode to Jessica's abs. In some photos, a single splitting line goes straight down Jess's belly, forming an intriguing trail to her nether regions. Her tight core is anchored by a gorgeously curved back. I mean, you can't even paint proportions more perfect than this. The coup de grace after all this is her lengthy, perfectly thick legs that often nestle into some accentuating stilettos that allow you to indulge in her lines.

PBC Hall of Famer
Jessica Ashley

So you see, I'm a little obsessed with Jess's body. It's a masterpiece. Some would also complain about her material, but I'd say that some photos nicely capture the tone and balance of her tanned body - and isn't that really the whole point here? We're not talking about a course in nude photography, but we don't get a bunch of total duds, by any means. There are some nice themes throughout that carry her well.

• Face: A
  Jess is an awfully pretty girl, with youthful enthusiasm permeating every single photo. She doesn't have a particularly distinctive face that would carry her otherwise, but when complemented by her spectacle of a body, she's perky and pleasurable. Sometimes she'll hit on all cylinders with a foxy stare that positively melts, and aims that sexual presence with lots of precision.
• Body: A+
  What can I write that I haven't already? I'm drooling over this woman's proportions. In my mind, Jessica's body harkens back to the big names of recent years - the best body since Amy Leigh Andrews, but looking more like CGOY Jo Garcia than more of the voluptuous Playmates of yore. This is a body that someone of any preference could love, an ass man, leg man, yes even a breast man. She's ample enough in proportions, but so naturally so that she excites at every look. 
• Talent: A+
  Not sold yet? Let Jess turn around towards the window, arch that back, and get on her toes. She exposes that scintillating line down her spine that creeps down into her ass crack. Still not convinced? Let her lay down, giving you a little stare and running her fingers down to her steely abs. Sure, she's got the weapon that is her physique at her disposal. But don't let that cloud the idea that Miss Ashley is one dynamite model. She works it when she wants, pulls back when she needs, and offers a physical rhythm that few can pull off. A-plus with a bullet.
• Pictorial: A-
  Where the controversy starts is with this pictorial. Some have ranted that this doesn't hold up to any standard at all, and I wouldn't beg to differ all that much. It's not great, the subject is. But the pictorial set does a fine job at times of getting out of Jessica's way. It doesn't try too hard to accent a great centerpiece, which is just fine. Is there some silly costuming and a lack of imagination and focus? Of course, this is 2014 Playboy. We should expect that by now.
• Centerfold: B+
  A bit of an odd choice for a photo and a pose. I would have loved to see a full size frontal with a rippling shot of those abs and that cute little pubic notch near her pussy. That'd do wonders.
• Overall: A+
  So here's the inevitable conclusion: Jessica becomes the first girl to join my Hall of Fame in four years, and the first Playmate since 2010's Amy Leigh Andrews to make the A+ cut.
  
  There have been many, many Playboy models in the past four years, but Jess has what is obviously the best balance of looks, physique, and talent that I've seen in that timeframe. Some may have come close, but Jess has impacted me in ways no one has in quite some time. She's nuanced and sexual, and always exciting. My obvious favorite for PMOY, she will be tough to beat indeed, even given Playboy's seeming re-awakening following some miserable entrants.

It's especially impactful to see a girl like this in what's been an abysmal showing for Playboy in past years. Hope to see WAY more of this in the near future, and it's looking good already with Emily Agnes!

2014 Playmate Catch-Up

Let's catch up on the Playmates of  2014, shall we? We've seen an overall rocky start to 2014, followed by some real promise. Before I get ahead of myself, let's look at the girls that have appeared on the centerfolds of the year so far.

Roos van Montfort - Miss January 2014

Roos was chosen to hold the title of 60th Anniversary Playmate, a title that comes with less pomp than past selections. A tall Dutch model with nary a glimmer of personality, Roos saunters through a couple of pictorial sets looking plastic and almost comically Photoshopped. Was there any life left in this model before they wheeled her across the Atlantic?

• Face: A-
  Okay, we get it. Roos looks like someone out of America's Next Top Model, and seems to be more akin to a Versace ad girl than a PMOM. She has a pretty, sharply angular face that would look just lovely with a smile spread across it. Unfortunately, there's no life to be found in this young lady. There's little depth at all here, and she looks like a figurine throughout.
• Body: B
  Roos's physique is tall, overly slim, and largely featureless. There isn't much to see here or catch the eye, and you have to wonder why Playboy would choose models like Roos, who seem far out of place in the nude. Still, she has some decent shape and perky little breasts that look fine in pictures.
• Talent: C+
  Again, Roos doesn't look the part, and that's putting it mildly. This girl lacks any semblance of posing talent, or  even a remote awareness of how active nude photography would work. There is no posing, no variety, nothing to see here. One of the most inanimate models we've seen in years.
• Pictorial: B-
  Sure, it's tough to save a model who's this untalented, but Playboy's editors don't do Roos any favors. Drab, unsaturated, colorless pictorial sets only serve to make this girl even more forgettable.
• Centerfold: B+
  It's a more than passable centerfold for this model. With some neat costuming and a sexy, almost ethereal look, it's a good one-off.
• Overall: B-
  This is not a good Playmate. Not at all. To be chosen for the 60th Anniversary issue is even more laughable. With nary a hint of posing knowledge, the most boring and dragging pictorials around, Roos is a total snoozer. She is certainly a pretty girl, and could have some potential tucked somewhere behind that stoic exterior, but you'd have to dig pretty deep.

Amanda Booth - Miss February 2014

Amanda's appearance marks a real shift of Playboy's philosophy into a different photography style - oversaturated, overglamorous, indulgent photos that really deny the audience of any sense of nuance or professionalism. The model barely gets to breathe or enact any level of creativity. Here we are in Playoby's new dawn.

• Face: B-
  Amanda's oddly unattractive facial features start with her pointed and angular nose, and end with the fact that she has features that look almost glued on. She looks fake, almost intangible to the audience, looking nothing like anyone you would meet on the street or in real life.
• Body: B-
  Unfortunately, there's not much saving grace here either. Whereas Roos before her had some elements that still made her attractive in certain settings, Amanda's frame is far too thin, and without any of the redeeming features. Literally no breasts, no ass, and very little help from the photography.
• Talent: B
  Amanda makes some passable attempts at active posing, but the end result is still unsightly and nothing to get excited for. A few coy stares. A stray finger in the mouth. All a bunch of tired gimmicks that belie a mostly stiff talent basis.
• Pictorial: C
  This is getting out of hand; very out of hand. While Miss Booth trudges on with her bland physical 'gifts,' she's also handed some crappy, totally amateurish photography that looks like it should be on the cover of a glamour magazine more than a simple pictorial set. Harsh lighting drowns away any details of her body, showing us a glowing silhouette of a woman we'll be quick to forget.
• Centerfold: B
  Follows suit with the rest of Amanda's repertoire - overprocessed and underwhelming.
• Overall: C+
  Boring is a word I've used pretty recently with another model, and it comes to mind with Amanda, but in a different sense. Here's a model that is not even a pleasure to lay eyes upon, and the inept photography at Playboy botched the job even further. There's no redemption here, only a girl who will remain just a name.

Britt Linn - Miss March 2014

After two totally drab ways to start the year, here come the curveballs in Playboy's annual lineup. Britt is a totally out-of-the-box contender, something we would be hard pressed to find in decades past. Short haired, sharp-eyed, incredibly tall, and an interesting mix of styles. This one is definitely worth a close look.

• Face: B+
  When I see Britt's piercing stare casting a devious, sexual tension over her photos, the only thing I keep thinking to myself is: damn, if she only had longer hair. It's an unfortunate sticking point for me, because Britt is a pretty girl. She has a wit and attitude to her that really comes across in her aggressive facial expressions. But it's that short, whipped up hair that gives her a tinge of masculinity that serves to negate that in a big way.
• Body: A
  It might take a second or third look to really notice and appreciate, but in this department, Britt Linn is a real winner. She's incredibly tall at 5' 10", and takes advantage of every square inch of that frame with wonderful curvature and long, sinewy legs. Her butt is especially impressive, and she arches and twists her back to expose some absurd contours that look fantastic on camera.
• Talent: A
  An aggressive, almost threatening posing skill is what you get on full display with Britt Linn. While she's by no means flawless, she makes use of her impressive length and gorgeous frame by delivering some awesome variety. Every photo says something about this model, which is far more than can be said for her two predecessors. This is how Playboy models should put themselves to work.
• Pictorial: B+
  So it's not a masterpiece by any stretch, but Britt's talent combined with a subtle color palette and a darker overall theme makes for a good combination. While she's best in full-frontal glory or the occasional side shot showing off her full curvature, Britt is represented well with a nice collection of costuming too.
• Centerfold: A-
  Full of attitude, showing off Britt's grit and snark in its purest form. Not to mention an awesome frontal view of her taut body.
• Overall: A-
  I initially wrote Britt off as a product of the Miley Cyrus generation, looking like a biker girl with a bit too much punch for the magazine, with not enough substance. Take another look. What we've got here is the finest Playmate body we've seen in some time, maybe since Shelby Chesnes. An awesome and talented model with a great feel for the camera, she's still hurt by the whole short hair thing. I just can't get over it. It's not a feminine short cut, either, and that hurts her. Still a great effort by PB to introduce something new and fresh to the mix.

Shanice Jordyn - Miss April 2014

Every year, we have a collection of "filler" Playmates. They're not attempts to try to hit it out of the park that either miss horribly or surpass all expectation. These are women where no attempt has been made at all to give them the real Playmate treatment. Shanice Jordyn is one of those fillers. She's got no business being a Playmate, but here she is, with her own month.

• Face: B
  Shanice has an attractive face and a wide, toothy smile that brightens up her photo sets. Sometimes she looks really darn cute. But as I factor in hair to the "Face" score in my sheet, her frizzly locks kick her down a few notches. I can only imagine how transformative it would be if Shanice sported some straight brown hair. With that pretty face, it would have been dynamite.
• Body: B-
  Slim, featureless, bland. At times throughout her photos, you might not even notice that Shanice is stripped down to her birthday suit. She's too thin to really exhibit any curvature, even though she has a decent ass for camera.
• Talent: B
  A timid poser who's the real definition of a one-trick pony, Shanice never flexes any chops that could bail her so-so looks out very well. Somewhere deep down, she has some inherent spark that took her to this level, but it just does not translate.
• Pictorial: B-
  Shanice's pictorial marks a major turning point in PB photography, where the production value is "overglammed" almost as if to prove a point. Trying to elevate splotchy colors, harsh flashbulbs, and overexposed photos to the level of an artform is a tricky process. Playboy seems to have rushed into it, and from the looks of her successors, won't be pulling back much.
• Centerfold: B
  Does nothing to help or hurt her, just as bland as her entire repertoire.
• Overall: B-
  Shanice Jordyn will soon be a name that Playboy fans will forget. Forever a 'filler' Playmate whose blandness overcomes every pictorial she's done. She's one of those that will float off into the sunset. But, her pictorial might be a significant pivot in PB photography. Gone are the days of subtlety... it seems that 2014 might soon be defined as the year of photographic excess.

Dani Mathers - Miss May 2014

Dani... Mathers... where had I heard this name before? Here's a model whose names have been floating through the annals of Playboy, in and out of amateur section shoots, not causing a major stir... but building enough of a fanbase to eventually break it into Playmate-dom! To be honest, I never really delved far into Dani's pictorials to see what she was about. A big-boob blonde is all I saw on the surface. But I dug a little deeper for this review, and what do I find? A hot little girl with a decent amount of skill on her.

• Face: B-
  Dani's face is all at once the reason for some of her appeal, as well as what's keeping her down and out of the Playmate race. I had to take a few looks at her to see if I could grow to like her, but in the end, it's her face that puts me off. It's square, angular, and there's a lot of... eyebrow. The sharp straightness of her eye lines and lower lip just look too harsh in the camera. At times her blonde hair and sneering look almost pulls you in, until you take a real close look.
• Body: B+
  Of course, this is the reason she's a Playmate, duh. While Dani is the shortest Playmate since Audrey Allen, she is a bouncy patchwork of colossal fake breasts and a curvy butt tapering down to some skinny thighs. It's an odd, rippling proportion that makes sense only when you see her silhouette. A little artificial? Sure! But it's also what makes Dani fun.
• Talent: A-
  For all the sheer lack of talent we see in Roos or Shanice this year, it's comforting to see a firecracker like Dani at work. With a few years of modeling for Playboy under her belt, the veteran Miss Mathers shines by stretching, grinning, contorting, and moving throughout some fine performances. While she won't win any awards for it, she's active and enjoyable.
• Pictorial: B
  Okay, so she spends a lot of time at the beach. It's her main recurring theme, and I won't knock her for it. There are also some interesting takes on her outrageous body, zooming and spinning around this skilled model. I'd say a decent effort, better than most.
• Centerfold: A-
  I like this shot a lot. The sand on her sharp curves almost beckons here, and the pose and facial expression are intriguingly sexy. Perfect choice.
• Overall: B
  I've used this word before in this review and I'll reiterate it again: fun. Dani is a fun girl to observe, rife with talent and a body to boot. While she may not be everyone's cup of tea (she wasn't fully mine either), she's more than acceptable given the lineup for the first five months of 2014. We only hope the sky's the limit from here!

Well there you have it folks! Stay tuned for the reason for my comeback in the first place: my review of the spectacular Jessica Ashley.

2013 Playmate Recap

For those of you who follow my blog, obviously you noticed a steep drop-off of Playmate reviews since I featured Briyana Noelle here last year. Indeed, as busy as it has been for me outside this blog, there's also been a dearth of Playmate talent to write about. Which is why I put this thing on hold for so long, perhaps wondering if I'd return again.

A certain Miss June changed that recently, so I'd like to catch up on all the things I've missed. I'm not going to do all the ladies I passed over much justice with full posts, but what I will do is give some short reviews. For this post, I'd like to catch up on the ladies from the 2013 class that I did not review, give my ranking for the group, and recap the PMOY selection. Here we go.

Carly Lauren, October 2013

With one of the most well-balanced and long yet buxom bodies of the year, Carly is a gem that needs a second look to truly appreciate. Her talent is world-class in her pictorials, as she goes above and beyond the sets given to her by delivering dynamic and active posing. The combination of body and talent would be a real slam dunk if not for some strange and off-kilter pictorials that don’t really do her much justice.

• Face: B
  Carly's bleached blond waves and squinty blue eyes do little for me. She doesn't have a very memorable look and lacks a bit of character in her expressions.
• Body: A
  Carly gives Alyssa a run for her money when it comes to body of the year in the 2013 class. She has a tight, tall figure with legs for miles, and looks perfect in anything the producers throw her in.
• Talent: A+
  My one and only A+ category rating of 2013 goes here to Carly. I must say that she really took me aback with her posing skill, which ranks among the very best I've seen. She has a keen understanding of her own assets, and works her gorgeous body for the camera with much ease.
• Pictorial: B+
  Most of the shining moments in Josh Ryan's shooting of Carly lies in when she's allowed to just flow. At other times, the pictorials seem overproduced and lacking in any real flavor. They completely missed giving this great model any real personality when they had the chance.
• Centerfold: B
  A passive pose doesn't suit Miss Lauren very well here, and not in her best pictorial setting either.
• Overall: A-
  Carly is one who really surprised me this year, as I wrote her off a bit before I started to look deeper. Her weakness is being less-than-memorable, and it's exasperated by a rather boring pictorial set that only sporadically takes advantage of such a hot body. But, for physique and sheer talent alone, Carly ranks towards the top of the 2013 Playmate class for me.

Gemma Lee Farrell, November 2013

With a popping booty and an exotic face, Gemma is one of the odd birds out of the Playmate group with her unique looks. She brings the energy with her posing, and although she’s no Carly, she tows the rope as one of the better talents in the class. Still, a bleached, overly processed, and color-heavy pictorial set makes her look unnecessarily phony at times.

• Face: B
  Gemma's unusual face becomes a bit of a centerpiece of her photos, but that's not always a good thing. Slanted and sometimes engaging eyes are her most interesting feature, but often get lost in the photograph because of their size. She comes off as a bit too artificial here.
• Body: A-
  Although Gemma's not short (a respectable 5'8") she looks compact in her photos due to her curviness. Although she seems a bit unbalanced with some short-ish legs, she hits all the right points with a great rack.
• Talent: A-
  Gemma gets all the high marks for being an above-average poser, playing well to the camera and looking engaged and focused. She never gets too wild, which you kind of miss with a lady like this.
• Pictorial: B-
  Again, with Gemma's lack of effort to really get riled up and sexy, combined with a series of pictorials looking heavily airbrushed and false, we never really get a good view of just who Gemma is. She's as perplexing as she is on first sight, which is a sad nod to Eisenmann's disjoined style.
• Centerfold: B
  Not overly flattering on her curves. Not a great shot selection.
• Overall: B+
  The main takeaway from studying Gemma's work is that we'll never really know who this model is. Playboy has taken a safe, timid route with her, coloring and saturating a pictorial that seems hastily edited and completely out of touch. Miss Farrell has the physical assets to make a splash, but won't get far with a poorly matched performance like this. I only wish she was let out of her cage a bit.

Kennedy Summers, December 2013

A strangely uncomfortable Playmate to look at, Kennedy is a plastic blonde with an elongated face and bubbly fake breasts. She doesn’t have a shred of that Playmate swagger or an ounce of charm. Given her nomination as Playmate of the Year, you’d expect someone with a few more redeeming qualities. Sadly, Kennedy was at the bottom of the Playmate barrel for me in 2013.

• Face: B-
  With one of the stranger, more angular faces in the recent past, Kennedy's face is certainly what drags her down in my rankings. A Playmate's got to look pretty, period.
• Body: B
  Kennedy looks like a model that comes straight out of a manufacturing plant. Pale, artificially inflated, doll-like. She looks good in numbers, but when you lay eyes on her, you're left wanting something more tangible.
• Talent: B
  Miss Summers is a passable model, with some staring, some leering, and some occasional grinning. She never steps foot beyond that mark, and that makes her just average.
• Pictorial: B-
  An abysmal set of pictorials has Kennedy overly made-up, looking lost and without purpose or direction. A complete lack of passion doesn't help the fact that she is just not an adept or attractive model.
• Centerfold: A
  Ah-ha, the one saving grace! Kennedy delivers a sizzling full-frontal shot that reminds me of the good old days of Playmate centerfolds. You almost get a palpable sense of her body in this one. Easily the best photo of her whole repertoire.
• Overall: B-
  In case you can't predict it already, I'm a bit disappointed with the PMOY selection this year. Kennedy is just a plain bad model that sets the tone for a rough start to 2014. There are numerous more deserving ladies, but what we got here is a tired, boring, Barbie doll model who stretches the concept of Hef-mate to undeserved levels.

Jaslyn Ome, Miss April 2013

2013 Playmate Class Ranking

12. Karina Marie (C+)

11. Kennedy Summers (B-)

10. Shawn Dillon (B)

9. Briyana Noelle (B+)

8. Gemma Lee Farrell (B+)

7. Audrey Allen (B+)

6. Alyssa Arce (B+)

5. Val Keil (A-)

4. Kristen Nicole (A-)

3. Ashley Doris (A-)

2. Carly Lauren (A-)

1. Jaslyn Ome (A-)

Superlatives

Best Breasts... Alyssa

Best Butt... Val

Best Body... Alyssa

Best Face... Audrey

Best Pictorial... Jaslyn

Best Talent... Carly

Overall, I think 2013 would go down as a very solid class top-to-bottom. I have B+ ratings all the way down to 9th place, which shows that I really thought we have a deep class. Still, no one achieved a A or higher for the entire year, the first year that's happened since 1989 in my rankings (Giana Amore was my Playmate pick that year). 

This year, Jaslyn was my top pick, as I felt she had the best balance of talent, looks, and pictures to set herself apart. It was one of the tougher selections in years, since I felt like the ladies were tightly bunched in the class. I think Carly made a great push towards the end, but Miss Ome had my heart.

Playmate of the Year 2014: Reaction

Kennedy Summers is the 2014 Playmate of the Year. I had her ranked at #11 on my list, my lowest ranking for a PMOY winner since 1993's Vickie (Anna Nicole) Smith, who I had at #12 that year.

As you might tell from my review above, I didn't have Kennedy in the highest regard. From what I can see on the internet, neither did many Playboy fans. There were ten other women who I'd have rather seen win the award over Kennedy. I have to ask the question that so many others are asking: who is Playboy listening to? What fans are picking these winners? How could a woman like Kennedy win over great talents like Carly or amazing physiques like Alyssa?

I'll just leave it at that. I always keep looking forward to the next year, but this selection makes me lose all hope. I have great expectations for 2014! More reviews coming soon!