A New Low

Shawn, Miss February

 Is it really too much to ask for Playboy to return to its glorious past? I'm not even referring to the 1980's and 1990's, when the magazine churned out spectacular and superior women as Playmates who were truly iconic. I'm not looking for even that kind of standard anymore - we've gone too far down the rabbit hole for that. I'm just talking about some quality women like we saw 3 or 4 years back, in the mid-2000's. Women who are hand-picked for their talent, then placed into a pictorial setting where they can jog our imaginations.

The truth is, a good Playmate candidate doesn't need much work. Put them in an intimate setting with a little costuming, and let them go about their magic. All the greats have that talent, as anyone on my Hall of Fame list would show. It's just natural.

In 2012 and now starting off 2013, there's a disturbing trend. Where is my beloved magazine with its talented and unique women? These are cookie cutter girls that have been crowded with setpieces and gimmicks that constrict their true nature, and cloud the real subject matter here.

To exacerbate the problem and prove my point, take a look at Shawn Dillon, Miss February 2013. This spunky 26-year old is someone that I really banked on, someone who I'd set my hopes on ever since I laid my eyes on some of her awesome lingerie and modeling shots. Shawn is innately a gorgeous girl, with probably one of the most appealing faces we've seen since Laura Croft. She's very youthful and genuine, and although she seems to have always lacked the posing talent, she's still wonderfully great to watch.

Until Playboy got ahold of her, that is. So my utter dismay, Playboy took one of the most promising Playmates in months, a potential star in the early running for PMOY, and destroyed her. They took a perfectly fine model and stuck her in one of the worst pictorials I've ever seen a Playmate in.

Where do I start with this thing? It's just a disaster. Shawn has so much color and life, and they sucked everything out of her in this putrid display. Instead, she looks pale, her hair frazzled and unbecoming. She looks constantly strained and out of place in the maritime setting, struggling to find a single ounce of spice or flash. She's shot in awkward sitting positions, which never captures the great shapeliness of Miss Dillon's body, ignoring the fact that she has a wonderfully plump ass.

Can you find the vaguely naked
woman in this photo?

That's just the start. What about the plethora of uncropped and unfinished photos of Shawn fishing from afar, without a single hint of nudity or even a close look at the model at all? There's a row of 23 shots in this pictorial that are virtually IDENTICAL! It's almost as if the editors over at Playboy are just playing a game with us here, thinking that their readers and fans are just a group of fools. The introduction of rookie photographer Tony Kelly might have something to do with it, but no Playboy point man should be this out of touch.

Through all the horrifying shortcomings of the pictorial, you never are able to get a feel for how great Shawn is, and that's the travesty here. If this was a passive, boring woman like Lisa Seiffert of last year, it would be mildly passable. But this was a model with loads of potential, with supple skin and a great energy about her that could have been something very special. What a shame.

• Face: A-
  The photographers almost try every dopey move to try to obscure or downplay Shawn's beautiful face in this pictorial, but I still won't knock the fact that she is one lovely model, and this is her greatest strength. Take a clean look at her pearly smile and those inevitable eyes, and you won't doubt this woman for a minute.
• Body: A-
  Finally, we get a Playmate with the physical tools: a centerpiece of a face, a balanced and slim body, and we get stuck with a subpar performance. There's still no denying that Shawn does possess those tools, most notably her absolutely lovely butt. There's not much definition or curvature to her backside, but her buttocks protrude in a nice bubble, which is never captured to the extent that it needs to be. This should be an obvious focal point in her photo set.
• Talent: B
  Shawn deserves another shot to prove herself, because there should be more to her than this. When you go back and look at her previous modeling work, though, it's easy to see that she's a bit thin on moves. She never gets into any rhythm with her PM pictorial, jet skiing and fishing and doing anything but actually posing for the camera.
• Pictorial: C-
  I think I've said enough about this photo set entry of Shawn's, and how unfortunate it's been. I can safely say that it is one of the worst pictorials I've seen in years, possibly the worst in decades. This kind of output is totally unacceptable, and I hope newcomer Tony Kelly and the rest of the crew step things up, and fast.
• Centerfold: C
  The centerfold falls into the same vein as the rest of the photo set, with Shawn standing in a beach setting with an obscured body and absolutely no attention to detail. 
• Overall: B
  The miserable pictorial set of Miss Dillon drags her down from a possible A-caliber Playmate to a mid-grade model. This is just not fair to Shawn or her fans, and hopefully her Playmate exclusives performance does her some justice and brings her back in time for the Playmate ranking. For Shawn, I might make an exception in my year-end ranking and boost her rating if I see a better pictorial, because she just didn't perform on a level playing field. She's a model with loads of potential who just got a raw deal.

PBC Hall of Fame - Carol Imhof (1970)

One of my very favorite classic Playmates is the incredibly angelic Carol Imhof, Miss December 1970. Still one of the iconic Miss Decembers in Playboy's history, Carol holds a special place in my heart, as well as the heart of countless other Playmate fans.

Carol
Miss December 1970

Carol was not my pick for PMOY in 1971, but that's only because she was matched up by the beautiful Jen Liano, also a PBC Hall member. However, in any other year in the decade, Carol would have taken things by storm.

Carol really carried the torch and set the standard for women in the '70's, and was a perfect cap to the 1960's era of ladies. Unlike Miss Liano, Carol is more of an archetype of the era, more voluptuous and curvy while still maintaining the short and stout frame that was the norm. These weren't the overly polished women of today, but they still resembled Hollywood glamour like they just don't do nowadays.

Indeed, everything about Carol straddles the line between high-end starlet and everyday girl down the street. Her face, to this day, is the stuff of legends. Her eyes alone should be in my hall of fame, always filling a photo with a bright beacon and becoming the central focus of any shot. Carol's angelic look was transcendent, and makes you sit back and think. Since today we overvalue the shock value of some taut, fake breasts and closely exposed genitalia, we miss out on true starpower like we see with Miss Imhof. This is a relic of a bygone era, to be celebrated.

• Face: A+
  Carol's face is still one of the greatest in Playboy history, along with greats such as Cynthia Myers and Jennifer Liano. Her spectacularly deep eyes and subtle innocence make her one of the most endearing and beloved Playmates in history.
• Body: A-
  Having the curvaceous and buxom frame of Playmates in the late 1960's, Carol's follows the trend, with large, tangible breasts that are shot gorgeously throughout her pictorial. Almost perfectly shaped and never too large, they complement an otherwise nicely tapered physique.
• Talent: A
  A glance here, a flashing of the lashes there, a flutter of the hair or a serene and inviting look. Carol's style is classic and timeless, with understated beauty and passive posing executed wonderfully.
• Pictorial: A+
  As I said above, Carol's passive posing style plays to her strengths perfectly here. She never does too much to break the relaxed atmosphere of her photo set, and never gets in the way of her own innate beauty. She doesn't have to try too hard to look spectacular.
• Centerfold: B+
• Overall: A+
  Reminiscing about beauties of the early days of Playboy is a pleasure, and looking back at women like Carol are the reasons why. While what we find attractive has truly changed, with models' bodies and posing styles evolving constantly, one thing is certain: beauty sells. In that vein, Carol produced, and brought home some seriously sexy shots while just being herself. It's a mentality that many a model nowadays can learn from - keeping it simple can speak volumes.

One Bland Blonde

Karina, Miss January

We had a pretty good 2012 class. Top to bottom, there was some good depth of talent, apparently some of the best we had in years. But as I've said before, there was never a defining knockout Playmate, who truly reshaped and redefined the direction of Playboy as a brand.

We haven't had a woman like that in forever. It feels like the last truly impactful models were Katie Vernola and Hall of Famer Amy Leigh Andrews back in 2010. Since then, we've had a collection of retreads, and even the greats (Toth, Horton, Chesnes) never could break through to that iconic status. So, we hope for lucky number 2013 to bring us that really special girl that tickles our fancy and drops our jaws.

Unfortunately, we'll need to wait another month. Miss January is Karina Marie, who kicks things off in a very underwhelming fashion. It's actually quite astounding how vanilla this Playmate is. It's not even easy to call Karina a "safe" choice, as she's way beyond that. This is a downright boring, uninteresting, and untalented Playmate who's taking up a spot where others may be far more deserving.

Karina's sneering, unattractive, and squinty gaze is never the attention grabber that we expect in Playmates nowadays. She sits in most of her photos, passive and expressionless, with little to offer in terms of true visual stimulation. The most we get out of her in the way of 'posing' is a slight flutter of the hair, a little forced grin, and a little budge of the nondescript features of her body to show that she's actually active.

When it comes to physical qualities, Karina suffers just as much. Her body is as bland and pointless as her posing, lacking any true contour or character at all. Her pale skin and overly slim build just doesn't look good in the camera's scrutinizing gaze, and her genitals are completely missing from view.

• Face: C+
  I guarantee that I won't be able to recall Karina's face a few months into 2013, without a doubt. Her angular face and lack of any character comes with nary a single smile. There's nothing but a dismal and unrecognizable sneer all over.
• Body: B-
  Easily one of the worst Playmate bodies we've seen in a few years, Karina leaves a ton to be desired. Her tall frame is far underweight, leading to a rippling and slim body with absolutely no curvature to offer any semblance of a silhouette. She has not a single defining feature, and then some, and her underexposed pictorial set doesn't help at all.
• Talent: B-
  Karina is a lifeless and tiresome girl without a single glimmer of talent throughout her photo set. She barely moves an inch, and each position does nothing to make up for her ultimately uninspiring body.
• Pictorial: C+
  There's just nothing here. It's ok to an extent that Karina is a dismally boring model, but to make matters worse, there's nothing sexually charged about these photos at all. It's just a model who happens to be naked, who lacks all balance whatsoever.
• Centerfold: B-
  A thoughtless, lame centerfold is just too fitting for Karina.
• Overall: C+
  You can tell that I just didn't enjoy Karina, as I felt she had no business being a Playmate. Sadly, it's a position that's seen better days, and the best classes of Playmates are far behind us. With women like Karina, it only feels like those great days are that much farther away, and that they'll never return again. She is an entirely uninspired choice by the editors, with no talent or physical strengths at all. The most you can say about her is that she's all-natural, but then again, so are most women. A forgettable Playmate to start off what will hopefully be an unforgettable year.

Then again, even the best classes didn't always start off with the best Miss Januaries. How about Shawn Dillon, the petite hottie that's tabbed for Miss February? Hopefully things are pointing up!