Roos van Montfort - Miss January 2014
Roos was chosen to hold the title of 60th Anniversary Playmate, a title that comes with less pomp than past selections. A tall Dutch model with nary a glimmer of personality, Roos saunters through a couple of pictorial sets looking plastic and almost comically Photoshopped. Was there any life left in this model before they wheeled her across the Atlantic?
- Face: A-
Okay, we get it. Roos looks like someone out of America's Next Top Model, and seems to be more akin to a Versace ad girl than a PMOM. She has a pretty, sharply angular face that would look just lovely with a smile spread across it. Unfortunately, there's no life to be found in this young lady. There's little depth at all here, and she looks like a figurine throughout. - Body: B
Roos's physique is tall, overly slim, and largely featureless. There isn't much to see here or catch the eye, and you have to wonder why Playboy would choose models like Roos, who seem far out of place in the nude. Still, she has some decent shape and perky little breasts that look fine in pictures. - Talent: C+
Again, Roos doesn't look the part, and that's putting it mildly. This girl lacks any semblance of posing talent, or even a remote awareness of how active nude photography would work. There is no posing, no variety, nothing to see here. One of the most inanimate models we've seen in years. - Pictorial: B-
Sure, it's tough to save a model who's this untalented, but Playboy's editors don't do Roos any favors. Drab, unsaturated, colorless pictorial sets only serve to make this girl even more forgettable. - Centerfold: B+
It's a more than passable centerfold for this model. With some neat costuming and a sexy, almost ethereal look, it's a good one-off. - Overall: B-
This is not a good Playmate. Not at all. To be chosen for the 60th Anniversary issue is even more laughable. With nary a hint of posing knowledge, the most boring and dragging pictorials around, Roos is a total snoozer. She is certainly a pretty girl, and could have some potential tucked somewhere behind that stoic exterior, but you'd have to dig pretty deep.
Amanda Booth - Miss February 2014
Amanda's appearance marks a real shift of Playboy's philosophy into a different photography style - oversaturated, overglamorous, indulgent photos that really deny the audience of any sense of nuance or professionalism. The model barely gets to breathe or enact any level of creativity. Here we are in Playoby's new dawn.
- Face: B-
Amanda's oddly unattractive facial features start with her pointed and angular nose, and end with the fact that she has features that look almost glued on. She looks fake, almost intangible to the audience, looking nothing like anyone you would meet on the street or in real life. - Body: B-
Unfortunately, there's not much saving grace here either. Whereas Roos before her had some elements that still made her attractive in certain settings, Amanda's frame is far too thin, and without any of the redeeming features. Literally no breasts, no ass, and very little help from the photography. - Talent: B
Amanda makes some passable attempts at active posing, but the end result is still unsightly and nothing to get excited for. A few coy stares. A stray finger in the mouth. All a bunch of tired gimmicks that belie a mostly stiff talent basis. - Pictorial: C
This is getting out of hand; very out of hand. While Miss Booth trudges on with her bland physical 'gifts,' she's also handed some crappy, totally amateurish photography that looks like it should be on the cover of a glamour magazine more than a simple pictorial set. Harsh lighting drowns away any details of her body, showing us a glowing silhouette of a woman we'll be quick to forget. - Centerfold: B
Follows suit with the rest of Amanda's repertoire - overprocessed and underwhelming. - Overall: C+
Boring is a word I've used pretty recently with another model, and it comes to mind with Amanda, but in a different sense. Here's a model that is not even a pleasure to lay eyes upon, and the inept photography at Playboy botched the job even further. There's no redemption here, only a girl who will remain just a name.
Britt Linn - Miss March 2014
After two totally drab ways to start the year, here come the curveballs in Playboy's annual lineup. Britt is a totally out-of-the-box contender, something we would be hard pressed to find in decades past. Short haired, sharp-eyed, incredibly tall, and an interesting mix of styles. This one is definitely worth a close look.
- Face: B+
When I see Britt's piercing stare casting a devious, sexual tension over her photos, the only thing I keep thinking to myself is: damn, if she only had longer hair. It's an unfortunate sticking point for me, because Britt is a pretty girl. She has a wit and attitude to her that really comes across in her aggressive facial expressions. But it's that short, whipped up hair that gives her a tinge of masculinity that serves to negate that in a big way. - Body: A
It might take a second or third look to really notice and appreciate, but in this department, Britt Linn is a real winner. She's incredibly tall at 5' 10", and takes advantage of every square inch of that frame with wonderful curvature and long, sinewy legs. Her butt is especially impressive, and she arches and twists her back to expose some absurd contours that look fantastic on camera. - Talent: A
An aggressive, almost threatening posing skill is what you get on full display with Britt Linn. While she's by no means flawless, she makes use of her impressive length and gorgeous frame by delivering some awesome variety. Every photo says something about this model, which is far more than can be said for her two predecessors. This is how Playboy models should put themselves to work. - Pictorial: B+
So it's not a masterpiece by any stretch, but Britt's talent combined with a subtle color palette and a darker overall theme makes for a good combination. While she's best in full-frontal glory or the occasional side shot showing off her full curvature, Britt is represented well with a nice collection of costuming too. - Centerfold: A-
Full of attitude, showing off Britt's grit and snark in its purest form. Not to mention an awesome frontal view of her taut body. - Overall: A-
I initially wrote Britt off as a product of the Miley Cyrus generation, looking like a biker girl with a bit too much punch for the magazine, with not enough substance. Take another look. What we've got here is the finest Playmate body we've seen in some time, maybe since Shelby Chesnes. An awesome and talented model with a great feel for the camera, she's still hurt by the whole short hair thing. I just can't get over it. It's not a feminine short cut, either, and that hurts her. Still a great effort by PB to introduce something new and fresh to the mix.
Shanice Jordyn - Miss April 2014
Every year, we have a collection of "filler" Playmates. They're not attempts to try to hit it out of the park that either miss horribly or surpass all expectation. These are women where no attempt has been made at all to give them the real Playmate treatment. Shanice Jordyn is one of those fillers. She's got no business being a Playmate, but here she is, with her own month.
- Face: B
Shanice has an attractive face and a wide, toothy smile that brightens up her photo sets. Sometimes she looks really darn cute. But as I factor in hair to the "Face" score in my sheet, her frizzly locks kick her down a few notches. I can only imagine how transformative it would be if Shanice sported some straight brown hair. With that pretty face, it would have been dynamite. - Body: B-
Slim, featureless, bland. At times throughout her photos, you might not even notice that Shanice is stripped down to her birthday suit. She's too thin to really exhibit any curvature, even though she has a decent ass for camera. - Talent: B
A timid poser who's the real definition of a one-trick pony, Shanice never flexes any chops that could bail her so-so looks out very well. Somewhere deep down, she has some inherent spark that took her to this level, but it just does not translate. - Pictorial: B-
Shanice's pictorial marks a major turning point in PB photography, where the production value is "overglammed" almost as if to prove a point. Trying to elevate splotchy colors, harsh flashbulbs, and overexposed photos to the level of an artform is a tricky process. Playboy seems to have rushed into it, and from the looks of her successors, won't be pulling back much. - Centerfold: B
Does nothing to help or hurt her, just as bland as her entire repertoire. - Overall: B-
Shanice Jordyn will soon be a name that Playboy fans will forget. Forever a 'filler' Playmate whose blandness overcomes every pictorial she's done. She's one of those that will float off into the sunset. But, her pictorial might be a significant pivot in PB photography. Gone are the days of subtlety... it seems that 2014 might soon be defined as the year of photographic excess.
Dani Mathers - Miss May 2014
Dani... Mathers... where had I heard this name before? Here's a model whose names have been floating through the annals of Playboy, in and out of amateur section shoots, not causing a major stir... but building enough of a fanbase to eventually break it into Playmate-dom! To be honest, I never really delved far into Dani's pictorials to see what she was about. A big-boob blonde is all I saw on the surface. But I dug a little deeper for this review, and what do I find? A hot little girl with a decent amount of skill on her.
- Face: B-
Dani's face is all at once the reason for some of her appeal, as well as what's keeping her down and out of the Playmate race. I had to take a few looks at her to see if I could grow to like her, but in the end, it's her face that puts me off. It's square, angular, and there's a lot of... eyebrow. The sharp straightness of her eye lines and lower lip just look too harsh in the camera. At times her blonde hair and sneering look almost pulls you in, until you take a real close look. - Body: B+
Of course, this is the reason she's a Playmate, duh. While Dani is the shortest Playmate since Audrey Allen, she is a bouncy patchwork of colossal fake breasts and a curvy butt tapering down to some skinny thighs. It's an odd, rippling proportion that makes sense only when you see her silhouette. A little artificial? Sure! But it's also what makes Dani fun. - Talent: A-
For all the sheer lack of talent we see in Roos or Shanice this year, it's comforting to see a firecracker like Dani at work. With a few years of modeling for Playboy under her belt, the veteran Miss Mathers shines by stretching, grinning, contorting, and moving throughout some fine performances. While she won't win any awards for it, she's active and enjoyable. - Pictorial: B
Okay, so she spends a lot of time at the beach. It's her main recurring theme, and I won't knock her for it. There are also some interesting takes on her outrageous body, zooming and spinning around this skilled model. I'd say a decent effort, better than most. - Centerfold: A-
I like this shot a lot. The sand on her sharp curves almost beckons here, and the pose and facial expression are intriguingly sexy. Perfect choice. - Overall: B
I've used this word before in this review and I'll reiterate it again: fun. Dani is a fun girl to observe, rife with talent and a body to boot. While she may not be everyone's cup of tea (she wasn't fully mine either), she's more than acceptable given the lineup for the first five months of 2014. We only hope the sky's the limit from here!
Well there you have it folks! Stay tuned for the reason for my comeback in the first place: my review of the spectacular Jessica Ashley.
1 comment:
I'm glad you back)
But I think Jessica's pictorial was totally a disaster(((
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