Must say Jessica Ashley looks mighty promising... Might just warrant a comeback post, with a short recap of the ladies in between my last post and now. Let's see.
My 2013 PMOY pick is Jaslyn, for anyone who's curious.
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Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Goodbye and Farewell... for now
To my readers and fans,
I believe I owe everyone who follows my blog an explanation on why I haven't posted in a while. There are a number of reasons, both personal and preferential. The #1 reason, though, is that I think Playboy has seriously lost its direction.
As you all know, this blog specializes in Playboy's leading women, known as Playmates. I review each and every Playmate, good or bad, and give my honest opinion on how she ranks among Playboy's best. The Playmates have always held a special place in my heart, with some of my favorites such as Karen McDougal and Shannon Stewart still being, in my view, the most beautiful women ever to grace the planet. And so, I had a passion that I wanted to put down on paper.
Unfortunately, for whatever number of reasons, Playboy has fallen off the map. The recent spate of horrific Playmate choices have provided me no motivation to keep this blog going. Starting with December last year and continuing through Roos Van Montfort, Amanda Booth, and Brit Linn, we've seen a string of far-below-par ladies take the title that was shared by the likes of Karen Witter and Vanessa Gleason. That's a tragedy!
So, I mourn the Playboy that I knew. This isn't a shift to a new era - this is an exercise in sloppiness, in laziness. I can't go on rating women when there's little hope for another "A+" or a home run in my eyes. There's nothing to look forward to.
I'll continue to follow the Playmates periodically, to see if there's someone that's truly hit it out of the park. If there is, maybe I'll come back and post here. For now, please consider it dormant.
I thank you all who've followed my words for the past 7 years. It's been a joy to read your responses and passions, as well. Farewell!
Sincerely,
The Playboy Critic
Friday, October 4, 2013
Slim-Fitting
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| Bryiana, Miss September |
What's still missing, though, is that elusive mark that makes a year go. It's that one Playmate who stands out and makes a statement that will carry the class forward. Although fans have delighted in some really wonderful ladies this year, I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who's seen some pure A-caliber talent.
Miss September was Bryiana Noelle, a young and eclectic Playmate that throws a monkey wrench into the gears that churn out plastic Playmate molds. Indeed, Miss Noelle is something of an anomaly, and she's got her quirks.
First thing is obviously first - this is one skinny model. We're talking 85 pounds skinny, and the lightest Playmate ever to hold the title. In fact, she's a whopping 20 lbs lighter than the next lightest girl this year, Audrey Allen. The true test of whether this slim figure is 'too' slim would obviously be her pictorial sets, which could either be hit or miss, as we've seen with overly thin girls in the past.
I was a bit skeptical of Bryiana at first, and it actually took me some time to get a feel for what kind of model she was. And after seeing five entries in Playboy Plus, the truth is, I'm still a bit unsure of what to think of her. While she's a lightweight, she never comes off as sickly, since she has a decent set of curves that photograph quite well. Her thinness also gives the appearance of a tall, sleek figure, which is a bit of an optical illusion given her 5'3" stature, the second shortest of the class.
Posing-wise, we have a fashion model that's broken slightly out of her shell, but not enough to crack it wide open. There's a constricting sense of deliberateness throughout, as she's a bit repetitive and calculating with each move. She is a true talent above many other ladies this year, but she holds back a bit too much, never letting her legs spread or looking free and sensually unbound.
Josh Ryan, though, does just fine here. While there's been much criticism of the photography and direction this year, it's safe to say that Bryiana didn't get the short end of the stick, at least not entirely. Some overexposed shots and overly processed pictorials (her main PM set) are still sticking points. But take one look at "Sweet Surrender" or "Director's Choice" and you'll see some opportunities for Miss Noelle to stay comfortable.
- Face: B+
Briyana's uncanny mix of different backgrounds makes her a very unique and unusual entry in any Playmate class. Playboy obviously took a jump away from their cookie cutter blonde here. With big, pearly eyes and a gorgeous smile that's not seen enough, she's exotic and charming. Her facial structure may be a bit off-putting to some, with a shorter nose. - Body: B
Being the lightest Playmate in history gives Bryiana some milestone points, but what should really be to her credit is the fact that she doesn't look 85 lbs. On full frontal shots, the gap between her thighs can be a little eye-catching, but there's balance and beauty in her body. She has a cute butt and looks deliciously long despite her short frame, so there's another plus. - Talent: A-
One of the finer talents of 2013, Briyana is a very professional poser. She's fashion model-esque, with a great feel for technicality and a movement that rivals all the best runway stars. She seems almost too restricted at times, though, and you almost want to see her really get between the sheets at times. - Pictorial: B+
While Josh Ryan didn't reinvent the wheel here, and there were some ill-conceived set pieces, Bryiana gets a chance to stay naturally sexy in two pictorials, Director's Choice and Sweet Surrender. Although there's nothing fancy here, you get a good feel for an otherwise mysterious model, which is not so easy to do. - Centerfold: B
An overexposed shot in the jungle is a very odd choice for such a slender, flowing model. Get a head-to-toe body shot sprawled out on a bed (perhaps from behind), and you'd have a winner. - Overall: B+
Another near-hit for Playboy follows a solid year of girls who never underachieve, but never hit on all cylinders, either. Bryiana Noelle is yet another one of those girls, but this one's been a really unexpected pleasure. While others are more obvious in their appeal, Bryiana draws you in with her wide-eyed look, her sinewy body, and her great posing skill. What she lacks, like pretty much all other women this year, is a real killer instinct that only the best have. It's that look that oozes sexuality, and that free spirited posing style that's somewhat a natural gift. As always, we'll keep searching.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Val's Our Gal!
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| Val, Miss August |
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, though, we're still searching for that elusive next "superstar" Playmate that can conjure up my next A+ rating. With this July-August double issue, though, we don't really get that breakthrough. However, we do get a punchy contender in Miss August, Val Keil.
The small brunette named Val is a 22 year old beauty hailing from Philly. Although she isn't the poser that I would have hoped, she's visually great in many different aspects, most notably with her big sexy eyes.
Val's unleashed a plethora of Playmate material so far this month, with photographer Josh Ryan offering a nice respite from Eisenmann's disastrous entries. While Ryan is no virtuoso, he gives a considerable amount of breathing room to his models, allowing them to be contemplative and sexual, never allowing the setting to take charge and dictate the way forward.
Val's pictorials are a bit uneven, but certainly pleasing to the eye because of the great subject matter. Her main pictorial is a bit off, as is her "Hollywood Glamour" entry, with both of them not offering enough color and contrast to Val's dark look. Miss Keil has a dose of stage presence that several other women have lacked so far in '13, taking the reins when they're properly offered.
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| Val's figure is notable for her amazing lower body |
In her "Pure Aphrodisiac" photo set, Val hits her stride and settles in, with her signature ruby red lipstick and heavy dark eyeliner showing off a face with character and charm. In a slinky pink garter set, Miss Keil spins and manipulates her body, which isn't something to be underestimated. While she doesn't have the curves or natural balance that Alyssa had (and few do), she's chiseled and has a fantastic ass.
What Val lacks in really raw talent is made up for by her intriguing looks. The real coup de grace comes in the second half of her "Director's Choice" set, where a grid-like brassiere and a tantalizing bottomless look pervade throughout, and evoke some naughty poses. While her movement is a bit stiff and she never looks 100% comfortable, there's no denying that this one is a woman who's here to carve out an identity of her own.
- Face: A-
In a year of some really pretty faces, which is probably the most inconsistent trait for most Playmate classes, Val's still stands out as one of the most eye-catching. Her deep, pearly eyes are easily her best feature, and when she tilts her head down and peers up with them, it's a signature move that doesn't fail. A knock against the editors here would have to be with her oft-overdone makeup, where you almost hope they gave her a single chance without such a heavy dose of that ruby red lipstick. - Body: A-
One of the smaller Playmates of this class, Val's stature is easily apparent in photos, as her torso looks notably shorter throughout. However, this serves to offset some of the imbalance that Val has in her physique. She doesn't have overly large breasts, and that suits her well - but with the rest of her body looking adequately curvy, her top half seems a bit lacking. All that aside, Val is a complete pleasure. Her perky butt is always sexy, and gives her what's easily the best bottom half of 2013. - Talent: B+
Val possesses some really above average posing skills, sometimes looking imposing and utterly sexy in her pictorial. Josh Ryan does well with Val in several settings, with her lingerie shots looking particularly powerful. Val works the camera with ease when she's comfortable. On the other hand, at times she's not given the room to shine, and looks lost and confused. She has a tough time compensating for a stale setpiece, which is worrying. - Pictorial: B
Mr. Ryan hits a few home runs with Val's pink lingerie set and a spread with a strappy bra and not a whole lot else. Those two pictorials are truly great, since they give her a pure, simple slate to expose herself. But with the two other pictorials, "Hollywood Glamour" and her magazine spread, she looks over-polished and vastly underutilized, like a mannequin with little of the glow she has when she's in her element. - Centerfold: A
Val's centerfold is a back-to-basics strategy that is easily the best centerfold image of the year so far. It's a perfect shot of her fantastic hip lines and awesome lower body. Full frontal shots that are as fantastical as this are hard to come by in today's Playboy. - Overall: A-
It's been a consistent year, if anything. There's still no true star power, and Val was never the girl to bring it with much impact. However, we've got a pretty memorable Playmate with a gorgeous body, ample posing skill, and a couple of good pictorial sets - more than you could ask for in a year of some subpar material. Val's stunning face complements a body that sports by far the best legs and butt of 2013. Val won't etch herself into the minds of fans, but she's been a pleasure nonetheless.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
2013 Playmate of the Year Review
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| Raquel 2013 Playmate of the Year |
As you might well know, I put Raquel at a lowly #9 on my year-end rankings last year. I obviously caught some heat for this, and I considered her strong fan base when I put together my ranking and rating for Miss April. Many commented that there was little chance that eight other ladies were better in 2012 than Miss Pomplun.
Although I'm always a bit apprehensive about changing my ratings in retrospect, if I were to evaluate her again, I'd probably put Raquel a bit higher than I did, especially since viewing some more of her glamor material. Raquel does have some nice size and is bold and graceful in front of the camera, and she does seem to be a decently deserving PMOY.
You all know my opinion about Miss Pomplun. I definitely preferred Shelby Chesnes, and was almost sure she would win after popular support for her mounted. However, as with Jaclyn Swedberg's PMOY win the year before, I would say that Raquel deserves this. She might not be PMOY material in any year, but given 2012's inconsistency and lack of true star power (same as with 2011's wobbly class), I'd have to agree with fans here.
As always, it's a travesty to see PMOY's given less and less of a chance to showcase their talents in encore performances each season. 2013 is by far the most shockingly meager of them all, with a pathetic six-photo set that looks dismally overproduced. Photo number 4 (posted above) is the one out of the lot that would really force my hand in changing my PMOY vote, but not quite.
Still, a hearty congrats to Raquel!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Losing Direction
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| Alyssa, Miss July 2013 |
I've always put a lot of weight on the actual material produced for a Playmate's portfolio. A great bit of production value can take a potentially mediocre posing talent and produce something wondrous. The key really is to keep it rather simple - all a great model needs is a little glamor makeup, a touch of rouge and dark lipstick, a nice set of black lingerie, and a bedroom with some ruffled sheets. Then, let her go at it. She'll writhe and flip, lay on her chest, lift her legs, and with some even lighting it looks spectacular. It was a simple, effective formula for years. And it's been thrown to the wind in favor of some really poor concepts.
The new generation of photographers, namely Sasha Eisenmann, are taking things to an overcomplicated level. It's shown time and time again, with Audrey Allen, Ashley Doris, and Shawn Dillon, we've seen more focus on props and photographic filtering tricks rather than the gorgeous nudity of those gifted ladies. Unfortunately, we see more of the same with Miss July, Alyssa Arcè.
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| Alyssa's breasts and legs give her 2013's best body |
There seems to be an obsession with thematic motifs for Eisenmann's pictorials, obviously. His misguided mind throws this project into disarray from the very start. Miss Arcè can be found doing just about everything but looking natural and relaxed, taking on a character of a flag girl at a race.
Now, I like this girl, I really do. In the photos with her hair pulled back and the fishnet cutoff top, she looks amiable and beautiful. The lighting is even, and the costuming is cute, with those checkerboard leggings allowing her to show some more-than-decent height (which she has, at 5'8"). But the pictorial doesn't go far enough, putting her in artificial poses throughout. When she goes full-frontal on the racetrack, the tailpipe smoke lens effect is just terribly misused. How much do we have to express this? WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PICTORIAL THEME. Give us a non-artsy-fartsy setting with a comfortable model, and it all comes together beautifully. Instead, half of the photos have Alyssa donning hot pants and large shades, obscuring anything we might dare learn about this girl.
It's a shame, since Alyssa is one of the prettiest, most accessible models of 2013. She's not a fancy girl, and not a fully glamorous one either. She seems comfortable in her own skin, and probably has what is the best body in the class so far. In what little you actually get to see of her figure, you can tell that this lady's got something to offer. If only...
- Face: B
While Alyssa is definitely physically gifted, in this year of memorable and intriguing faces, Alyssa falls short by a lot. It could be a slight result of the pictorial not conveying enough about this girl, and the disastrous decision to take half of Alyssa's photos with clunky sunglasses on her face, but she's just not someone that will stay in your mind because of her big eyes or pearly grin. - Body: A
What Alyssa lacks in facial beauty, she makes up for in droves with her awesome physique. This girl is not paper-thin, and at 120 lbs, you see where it all goes (to the right places). Her hourglass figure is quite apparent, with easily the best Playmate breasts since Shelby Chesnes. They're visibly natural and hang away from her body beautifully, and when the shadows catch them just the right way, it's heavenly. Not too shabby an ass either, but not enough footage of it available. - Talent: B+
Alyssa never gets to truly flex her muscles in her pictorial set, so it's not simple to make a judgement with only that as an indicator. Once you dig in to her videos, you realize that her movement is fluid, and her bubbly personality really makes her a fun shoot. This is a girl who loves to take her sleek body for a ride, so she's minimally at fault for the finished product here. - Pictorial: B-
You have a model here with loads of potential, probably the best physique of the year, and a level of energy that could make her a true dynamo in a sexual, intimate setting. What do you do? You squander every bit of it, and then some. You lay a complete egg, showing ineptitude of massive proportions. This is a terrible pictorial, showing off more car than woman, akin to Shawn's "ship-torial." I was left dumbfounded as to how little artistry can be shown when shooting an obviously pretty girl. - Centerfold: B+
This is a decent shot, although not in my favorite pictorial setting (the red scarf on the racetrack might have been better suited for a centerfold). The colors and the even lighting are nice, and Alyssa's cheerful personality come through. I do like the costuming, showing off her good size. - Overall: B+
The 21-year old Alyssa is another above average talent in the 2013 class, that sadly has been mishandled to the point where it hurts her final score. It's a sad reality in this era in Playboy's history, where we're seeing some really poor decisions from the magazine's management, but it's how it goes. Miss Arcè is physically the most superior model of the year, with her balanced and voluptuous body providing a look at some of the most palpably natural set of breasts in years. She comes across amazingly in videos, but it's her photo set that really hurts. It's something that slides Alyssa into the middle of the pack for the PMOY race, although she certainly will have fans that will look at her solely for the model she is.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Tiny Wonder, Sasha's Blunder
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| Audrey, Miss June |
Sasha Eisenmann was particularly skewered for her photo set of Ashley Doris, Miss March. I personally think Ashley is the best one of the bunch so far. She's simply the best looking and most skilled Playmate when she's given free reign. I didn't mind Eisenmann's pictorial too much, as it was panned by most. The pictorial really introduced Sasha's style to a fault, looking to most too immature and underdeveloped, never giving the model a semblance of a personality. That same style is pervasive in our newest Playmate.
Miss June is Audrey Aleen Allen, a.k.a. Audrey Andelise, who appeared in a duo of pictorials released around the same time as her sister, Anna's. Audrey's spunky coed looks conjured up a zestful fanbase who cried out for the young model to become a Playmate, against reason that would say she doesn't quite seem ready. And lo and behold, we have Miss June.
Really, there's one thing that really characterizes Audrey: her extremely short and petite body. She's very tiny (5'2"), and the shortest girl since Amy Leigh Andrews. What makes her very different from Amy, though, is that she photographs short, while Miss Andrews always looked pretty long and voluptuous in the camera lens. What brings out the obvious lack of height is Audrey's very short legs, such that her torso is longer in proportion to her overall size.
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| Audrey's small size is very evident |
Physically, Audrey is extremely photogenic, with a cute, bubbly face sporting a gorgeously accessible smile. Her youth and energy are hard not to capture in every photo, although a lack of mature and truly sexual posing is obvious. This is definitely a model that could use a few years under her belt to flower into a real Playmate-worthy entry, and it sadly shows throughout. You'll never be "wowed" by Audrey, and so she's one that could ultimately fade.
And then, there's the pictorial. Sasha Eisenmann won't win any new fans with this one, if they were already put off by his portrayal (or mis-portrayal) of Ashley. When a photographer looks a model, they really should focus on how not to portray her, as much as what is appropriate for the subject. Sasha basically misses the point in the same exact way as before: he sets the stage, overcoaching and overanalyzing shots, without allowing for room to breathe, or any bit of varied posing. Audrey is always upright and stiff throughout her photos, with outfits galore that never explore her darker side (and we know every model has one).
- Face: A
We've seen some really beautiful faces so far this year, certainly above average. Audrey continues that trend with probably the most beautiful smile of the class so far. Shawn Dillon had a winning mug, but never got to exhibit it like Audrey has. While her lovely blue eyes are never given much of a chance, you can't help but love this model's youthful innocence by way of a light, friendly smirk. - Body: B+
Again, Audrey's body won't win any awards for its ability to drop jaws and get the drool flowing. She's not a leggy, boob-heavy model that has hourglass curvature. What she does have is a short, powerful body with iron clad abs and a hard, natural shape. Her proportions are perfect, and the cute petiteness really lends itself to her college girl persona. - Talent: B
Will the real Audrey Allen please stand up? Or better yet, do something besides just standing. What we see in her performances, whether you blame the production or photographer, is some rather passive posing with a potential for much more. Audrey never exudes a powerful sexual tone in a single one of her photos. Sometimes, you want a "too-cute" Playmate like this to strap on some garter belts, climb onto a bed, and stick her hand between her thighs. I know, most Playmates never get close to that, but Audrey stays far, far from it. - Pictorial: B
Sasha Eisenmann isn't going to quell any critics' complaints about his having a complete lack of skill. He's not a single bit crafty here, taking a perfectly beautiful subject and putting her in painfully obvious settings - on the beach, pulling off a bikini, looking unnatural and restrained. Eisenmann's style is evident here, where he treats the subject as an interchangeable object that never gets to freely pose. Photos are over-exposed and painfully sunlit, without highlighting Audrey's powerful midsection or taking advantage of her smaller size with some more compact shots. Give it credit for being fun and colorful, but overall just a poor effort. - Centerfold: B
I didn't really appreciate what they were going for with this centerfold shot. Audrey's contortion is a nice departure from the pictorial set, but it doesn't capture anything to augment the model here. I always prefer a full-frontal in a centerfold. - Overall: B+
When all's said and done, the lack of foresight and expertise in treating this model with respect is too much for her to overcome. Audrey is ultimately a strange entry at this point, midway through the class. She isn't a particularly skilled Playmate at all, in fact quite the opposite. She doesn't have any bit of exotic appeal, and lines up strangely right after a pure blonde bombshell in Kristen Nicole. Still, she could have been something if we saw her in a more mature light, a peek in the bedroom or what not. It seems that Playboy, with its new strategy in releasing portions of a pictorial in several phases online and in print, could find a way to inject more variety, and to exhibit a couple different sides of each model. Instead, we get this... an incomplete picture of an underdeveloped model. Keep searching, guys.
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